Thursday, April 24, 2008
The Schizophrenic, who was long aware.
The... Other One. It's been kept hidden in me, in memories, for quite some time. The only reason why i've kept
him hidden, all these years, was so that, I could fit in. It was... Is... My true character, my nature... And yet, i've been putting on a mask, all these years.
I thought it'd make eveyone around me... Happy. Back when we were all young and innocent. We didn't know how to act, how to put on a good show. I never really could fit in. Not at home, not in school. I guess you could say, I was a social outcast. It was, difficult, to say the least. I had but a handful of friends, not many wanted, to even be associated with me, in fact.
Gradually, the Other Me, slinked into the shadows, away from sight, yet, always playing games in my head. Becoming an actor. I learnt it well. Blending in with the crowd. Making friends. Yet, all this while, I still felt so... Empty. Hollow. Of so many friends, who can you really trust? Who would stand by you, during your darkest hours? How many mattered, at least to yourself?
I think it's time
he made a comeback. So, who cares, if I can't fit in? Why do I have to care so much, to please those around me, when it doesn't even make me the least bit happier, less lonesome?
To test my theory, I began to introduce a bit of
him, raw and pure, at the workplace, yesterday. True enough, true enough. People I regarded as friends (oh, such a flimsy word.), began to shun away from me, to push me away, to treat me with hostility. Lol. Proves my point, no?
He is revolting, sickening, irritating, fucked up. And yet,
he is a part of me. A part of me, that I shall embrace, like a long, lost brother. For
He is my ticket, to sanity.
This facade, i've been putting on. Every. Single. Day. I've been long sick of it. It's like, a conscious schizophrenia. Yet it's gone on long enough, that I almost forgot, who I really was. Not being aware, whether i'm awake or otherwise, due to, the lucidity, of my dreams.
I have... The Other One... Has fully awakened. Yet expect not the worst, 'cos... After all, i'm a self-trained actor. Lol.
I shall... Describe
him more, during the course of self-discovery. That's it for now.
Thy Sins be Cleansed.
5:51 AM
