Thursday, April 24, 2008
The Schizophrenic, who was long aware.
The... Other One. It's been kept hidden in me, in memories, for quite some time. The only reason why i've kept
him hidden, all these years, was so that, I could fit in. It was... Is... My true character, my nature... And yet, i've been putting on a mask, all these years.
I thought it'd make eveyone around me... Happy. Back when we were all young and innocent. We didn't know how to act, how to put on a good show. I never really could fit in. Not at home, not in school. I guess you could say, I was a social outcast. It was, difficult, to say the least. I had but a handful of friends, not many wanted, to even be associated with me, in fact.
Gradually, the Other Me, slinked into the shadows, away from sight, yet, always playing games in my head. Becoming an actor. I learnt it well. Blending in with the crowd. Making friends. Yet, all this while, I still felt so... Empty. Hollow. Of so many friends, who can you really trust? Who would stand by you, during your darkest hours? How many mattered, at least to yourself?
I think it's time
he made a comeback. So, who cares, if I can't fit in? Why do I have to care so much, to please those around me, when it doesn't even make me the least bit happier, less lonesome?
To test my theory, I began to introduce a bit of
him, raw and pure, at the workplace, yesterday. True enough, true enough. People I regarded as friends (oh, such a flimsy word.), began to shun away from me, to push me away, to treat me with hostility. Lol. Proves my point, no?
He is revolting, sickening, irritating, fucked up. And yet,
he is a part of me. A part of me, that I shall embrace, like a long, lost brother. For
He is my ticket, to sanity.
This facade, i've been putting on. Every. Single. Day. I've been long sick of it. It's like, a conscious schizophrenia. Yet it's gone on long enough, that I almost forgot, who I really was. Not being aware, whether i'm awake or otherwise, due to, the lucidity, of my dreams.
I have... The Other One... Has fully awakened. Yet expect not the worst, 'cos... After all, i'm a self-trained actor. Lol.
I shall... Describe
him more, during the course of self-discovery. That's it for now.
Thy Sins be Cleansed.
5:51 AM
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
It's, Difficult.
Yet another dream.
I was back in the fire station. Just sitting down, quietly, in the corner, where my locker was positioned. People around me, they were talking, laughing, making merry. Yet, I heard nothing, nothing at all. I could see their lips moving, the mirth in their eyes, but it was all a silent movie.
I turned my head towards my locker, the door ajar. I saw that it was full of cigarette boxes. I remember not the brand, but the boxes were dark coloured. Vaguely familiar. I opened a box. I took a cigarette out, and started puffing. Again. And again. And again. One stick after another. Non-stop. I was a chain smoker.
Fuck, i'm going mad.
Thy Sins be Cleansed.
12:13 PM
Nightmares, that continue to haunt.
There I was. But again, it wasn't me. It was like a third-person view.
I was sitting down quietly, mumbling to myself. It was, inaudible. Something shiny was in my hand. An evil, sadistic smile flashed, across the face. A slow, deliberate movement, the hand holding the shiny object, toward the other free hand.
Blood flowed. It took me a while to realise, that the shiny object was a small knife, or blade, of some sort. In that instant, I was pulled into the body, of the person who just committed this sadistic act, who was me, now.
I clawed at the deep, bleeding cut. Dug, almost frantically, into it, like it was a container, holding something, I wanted to lay my hands on, badly. I felt my face twist, into that same sadistic smile, for I had found what I had been digging for. I pulled out my wrist vein. And bit hard into it. A sickening squelch. I knew the vein was no longer intact. Blood splattered all over. I could taste the fresh blood, warm, sweet, yet disgusting at the same time. I laughed, maniacally.
And then I woke up, yet again, covered in cold sweat, and I found myself making a dash for the toilet, puking, just puking, uncontrollably.
Fucking sick dream.
Thy Sins be Cleansed.
4:58 AM
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Continue from where I last left off. I think... Thoughts of suicide, is a built-in self defense mechanism. It could probably be, a form of escape, when things get too difficult for people to handle. The easy way out, the 'Back Door'. So.. People opt for this alternative route. 'Cos it seems easier, than having to face up to their own problems.
Also, I think it's stupid to want to commit suicide. For one, how would your loved ones feel, if they were to find out, that you've taken your own life? Secondly, no problem is too great, if we just spend some time, to sit down, and think hard enough, for a solution.
Of course, thinking of suicide may not necessarily translate to contemplating suicide. I, for one, am a good example. Or maybe, it was just because, I just didn't have the courage, to do it, many years back. Lol. I was a troubled teen back then. Maybe I am, still, now, but i'm finding ways and means, to cope. It's difficult, but, eh, not impossible.
So... Don't bother trying, don't waste your breath. I'm inconsolable for now, and that's how it goes. But yea i'll be fine. No cause for concern/worry.
On a side note, I havent shaved my facial hair in, eh, more than a week. Lol.
Random.
Thy Sins be Cleansed.
2:40 PM
Sorry.
I feel, that it's unfair, for you to feel, what i'm feeling. To try to understand, would even be too much. I'm sorry, I remain silent. Let me bear the weight of the truths and actions, by myself.
I never wanted any of this. For you, to feel the agony that i'm going through. To feel for me. To cry for me. I appreciate it, but... It's just... Being unfair to you. Leave me be, for now, i'll sort out my thoughts alone, in peace.
I always, always... Wanted to live a happy life, co-existing in peace, as family, like you do. Who doesn't? Yet, I find no inner peace. I'm.. Unable to do that, for now. I'm...
Sorry.
Rainy weather is good. Time for a jog.
Thy Sins be Cleansed.
7:27 AM
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Happy Birthday, to Lissy :)I had a dream.
In my dream, I was running, along a seemingly endless corridor of white... Running away, from... Something. I felt fear, in my heart. The most basic, primal instinct. It felt like... I was being hunted. A sport. Game.
The corridor twisted and winded, but I just kept running, running, running. In the distant, I spotted a door. I made a dash for the door. I opened the door. It led me to... Nowhere. I stepped into nothingness. I was falling, falling, falling.
Then the surroundings changed. I was standing outside the doors of a vast chamber. The doors stood, tall and grand, fit for a king. Pushing the heavy granite doors, I found myself in a throne room, of sorts. I looked up, to see a vacant throne.
In the blink of an eye, the throne was no longer vacant. The scene had shifted again. Only this time, I was in the same room. But the room... Was an inferno. All that was recognisable, was the throne, which was now in flames, too. And there, sat a figure, his looks I couldn't make out. So I went closer, closer, to satisfy my curiosity.
I saw... Myself. Sitting on the throne, right there, eyes closed, with a peaceful smile on my face. But it wasn't me, how could it be me? So I tapped 'my' shoulder. Bad choice. His eyelids lifted, but, total darkness I saw, in his eye sockets. He opened his mouth. A horrible screech I heard. I covered my ears... On my knees. Incapacitated, by the horrendous shriek.
Then I opened my eyes. I was, once again, free-falling into nothingness. Just falling, into a seemingly bottomless darkness.
I woke up, covered in cold sweat.
Weird dream I had.
Thy Sins be Cleansed.
1:51 PM
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Wine of Life, Sands of Time.
Long time, long time.
While enjoying my warm shower this afternoon, I was reminded of a news article, that i'd read about two weeks back. It was about some green lasers being aimed at passenger planes in Australia. The reason why, that article caught my attention, was simple. I was wondering how the passengers on board felt. It was seemingly like a terrorist attack, they could lose their lives, at any moment. Were they frightened? Confused? Or... Indifferent? Maybe... Ecstatic?
I believe there is a... Switch... Inside the human mind. This switch... Toggles the patterns and behaviour, of humans. Let's say... The switch is almost permanently in the "Off" position. Which means, we're in our normal behaviour. However, this switch... Can flip to the "On" position, when triggered by certain events. This causes us to act irrationally, sometimes even posing a danger to ourselves/others. We shall call this switch, the... "Self-destruct Switch".
When the self-destruct switch (SDS) is activated, as I mentioned earlier, we start to behave in a way, that, deviates... Doesn't seem like... Ourselves. These events that trigger the activation, could be trivial, or serious. For example, I had a friend, let's name her
W.
W had her SDS activated a few years ago, when a close friend she regarded as her Big Brother, wanted nothing more to do with her. It was like... Her world had come crashing down on her. It pained me to see her, act in that way too, 'cos she was like a little sister to me. Wrist-cutting, threatening to jump into the Singapore River to drown herself, just to name a few. Quite different, from her usual jovial self.Another good example, was another news article I read a few years back. Correct me, if my memory fails me. I read about this kid, who committed suicide, because his parents didn't want to buy him a new handphone. (Is that right? I don't remember clearly, but eh, the gist is there.) Now, i'm not saying that it's stupid, to want to take your own life, over any issue we deem trivial. We don't seem to be putting ourselves in others' shoes. We may think it's trivial, but to someone else, it could mean the world. It's not in our position to, eh, label someone stupid. For taking his/her own life, over something WE deem trivial. Rather than we ourselves, stupidly thinking, 'how stupid of someone, to take his/her life over something so trivial', shouldn't we find something more constructive to do, like, identifying people who are clearly distressed, and try to help them out? But yeah, it's stupid, to want to take your own life, 'cos, I believe, any problem can be solved, if we sit down and think long, think hard, enough. (I'm just saying, it's not right to want to take your own life, because life's more valuable than that. Incoherent thought. Back to the point.)
It is possible, to shutdown the SDS, in, eh, less extreme cases. The psychological stress and trauma caused, in some individuals, could be so great, it's irreversible. But generally, generally... Just show the troubled individual... That you'll be there. That you genuinely care for their well-being. In
W's case, I got her to tell me what's wrong. Though I didn't probe much. Though I didn't dispense advice, 'cos I know, advice isn't what she needed. In most cases, advice isn't what the individual needs. I don't want/need any advice myself, when I tell someone about my problems, unless i'm really lost, and ask for it. Probably the suggestions you're giving, he/she already thought of. So yeah, most troubled individuals... They only need a listening ear. For someone to know what they're going through. For someone to understand what's going on in their minds. For themselves to know, that someone genuinely cares for them, in this vast, unfeeling world. Slowly but surely, W's SDS deactivated. She stopped with her nonsense, and reverted to her usual self. To date, W is happy and well.In some special cases, people who have their SDS activated, somehow manage to think it through rationally, and come to self-actualisation, that they're acting irrationally.
At this point, probably what I just typed above, doesn't seem to have link to the news article about the faux terrorist attack. Let me explain, why i'm so intrigued about said article. I wondered, if any of the passengers on board the plane, were in some kind of psychological distress. And if there were any, were their SDS(es) already activated? What was going on through their head(s)?
"Yes, i'm going to die. Liberation..."
"Could I die, a more gruesome death?"
"My torment is finally, finally... Over."
Probably something along that line. It's dangerous, to think like a suicidal person, because you might start to act like one. So... Kids. Don't try this at home.
It's such a saddening fact... That people even contemplate killing themselves. And yet. It's not surprising. I say that, because I once entertained such thoughts, too. Lol. I once thought of studying psychology, so I could better understand, such individuals. But... I'm only human. There's a capacity, as to how many problems, I can listen to... I identify with people's problems so much, that I guess, one day i'd probably kill myself, if I were to practise psychology. It doesn't mean, that i'm not interested in the subject. Morbid thought. To want to know about suicide. But still, it's interesting.
Maybe thoughts of suicide, is actually a psychological defensive mechanism, but that's another thought for another post. Lols.
I don't know why I blogged about this.
Thy Sins be Cleansed.
11:58 AM
Friday, April 04, 2008
I dislike driving, with my mom sitting beside me. Why, you ask?
Instance #1:
Mom: "OI! you going to hit the car beside us!"
Les: *panic mode*
Instance #2:
Mom: "EH! you missed the turn!"
Les: *panic mode*
There're more instances that i'd like to quote, but that should suffice in explaining why.
I dislike fucked up taxi drivers. Mind you, i'm not referring to all taxi drivers, just the fucked up ones who think they own the road. Why, you ask?
The reason is simple.
Who the fuck, horns at the car, in front of them, while waiting for the space in between yellow box and traffic light to fill up, on a busy road? Fucked up taxi drivers. I got my bit of revenge this afternoon, after such a thing happened to me, and the same taxi driver happened to travel along the same one lane traffic road with me. Road hogging, just to piss fuckers off, is fun. :D
Back to station, tomorrow. :(
Random post.
Thy Sins be Cleansed.
12:21 PM
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Taking advantage versus exploit.
There is a very fine line between exploiting, and taking advantage, of someone.
Let me explain why, won't you? :)
In my context, to take advantage of me, I probably wouldn't mind at all. In fact, I would most likely be a
willing party.
The difference in exploiting and taking advantages, would be that, I wouldn't be all that willing, if you were exploiting me, but, I still wouldnt mind it all that much, if it were once or twice. (IN MY CONTEXT.)
Contrary to popular belief, if you choose to repeatedly exploit me, it would most likely earn you a kick... Where it hurts the most.
So.
You have been warned. :)
Thy Sins be Cleansed.
11:02 AM
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Should one always forgive?
Forgiveness, and the capacity of Man, to forgive, has constantly been one of life's many wonders. To be able, to brush aside wrongdoings done unto us, it wouldn't be exaggerating, to say that, this is what makes us human.
Somewhere within us, resides a yardstick, a gauge of sorts, that determines the severity of impact, caused by actions of people around us. This yardstick, may differ greatly, from person to person. From this gauge, we decide, whether it is trivial enough to let go of it, or whether it's so serious, that it's unpardonable. Example, stealing petty cash from a rich man, versus from a poor bloke. The poor bloke would probably be cursing his perpetrator, along with his next 18 generations of offspring, whereas the rich man, would probably not even notice that his cash was missing.
Looking at it from a religious aspect, most religions preach that Man should forgive and forget. Example, The Story of Joseph, in the Holy Bible. Joseph was sold off to become a slave boy, by his brothers, who were jealous that he was favoured by their father Jacob. Somehow, Joseph became an important figure in Egypt, where he was eventually sold off to, and readily provided for his brothers, when famine struck the lands. People also look up to their God, for forgiveness, should they have done anything deemed as a 'sin'.
Some people may argue that there are crimes committed, that classify under 'unforgivable', that some actions can never be condoned. However, I believe that people are born with a pure, untainted heart, therefore, this is not the case. For someone to have committed a crime, he or she must have been pushed to the brink of desperation. (my idealistic view of the world. pssh.)
In a nutshell, I find that there is no harm in forgiving someone, as long as the 'level' of forgiveness, does not eat into our moral standings. Besides, as the saying goes, 'To err is human, to forgive is divine.' As a friend would put it, "wah lau eh, even donovan and cheeky play E, Smack K, still got second chance la."
LOL. Shoddy work, shoddy work. Fine tune some other day.
Thy Sins be Cleansed.
1:54 PM